By: Robert M. Pultz
Well, this is how you do it.
First - Find a cigar. I suggest buying a new, unused cigar from a Reputable Cigar Retailer (RCR). Not too expensive. Don't let them jerk you around on the price, either. Tell them you're from ASC and demand the standard discount.
Second - Find a place suitable to cigar smoking. I have found, to my great surprise, that this excludes libraries, airports, and most amusement rides at Disney World. If you live in Oakland, CA, or Madison, WI, you're pretty much screwed, so don't even think of smoking. Initially, try your home or apartment, but make sure to check for the presence of smoke-nazis, before proceeding. If you don't know what a smoke-nazi looks like, you can find some examples here:
http://www.losers.org/dorks.html
Third - Assuming you took my advice and bought a real cigar, rather than one of those pre-drilled, PG-laden dog-rockets that come in convenient five packs at the local CVS, you will now have to "clip" the end. By "end", I mean the end that isn't already clipped, or what is technically referred to as the "head", as opposed to the "foot", which the manufacturer has likely already cut, for your convenience. If you have a cigar that appears to have two heads, then you should consider the end closest to the cigar band the
"head". If you didn't pick up one of those $1 disposable cigar cutters from the RCR (see above), you'll need a sharp pair of scissors. Locate the "cap" on the cigar. This is the covering on the "head". Cleanly cut off a bit less than the entire cap, then store the excised portion in a mason jar.
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Fourth - You are now ready to light your cigar and begin smoking proper. Find a match, butane lighter, or welding torch. Use extreme caution, if this last option is exercised. Place the cigar in your mouth (recently cut end or "head" first), and grip loosely with your teeth. Look left, right, then left again for the presence of smoke-nazis. Ignite your match, lighter, or torch, and hold near the "foot" of your cigar. Turn the cigar slowly with one hand, so that the entire "foot" is evenly exposed to the heat of the flame, and gently puff on the cigar. You are now smoking and may extinguish your ignition device.
Fifth - Enjoy your cigar. Take a puff or three on your cigar, then put it down for thirty or forty seconds, and try not to let it go out. Repeat, until you've smoked as much as you want to smoke, then discard what's left, when done. Don't re-light a cigar after it has been out for more than about half an hour. Generally, you don't want to inhale cigar smoke. Cigars are fun because they taste good, not because they serve as nicotine delivery systems. Find something to drink, while smoking. This will greatly enhance your smoking pleasure and, thus, further annoy people who don't like cigars.
Sixth - Read the FAQ. Read lots of FAQs, for all I care, but make sure to read the FAQ at http://www.cigargroup.com/faq.
Seventh - Visit your RCR (either locally or on line) and sample a wide
variety of cigars. You may become so enamored with cigars that you feel compelled to buy them in volume and age them in humidors. At that time, we can get into cigar budgeting/justifications, the "70/70" rule, Spanish Cedar inserts, cello-on/cello-off, and other advanced topics, but, for now, just sample and enjoy and stay clear of smoke-nazis.
Robert M. (Halbert) Pulz
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