Marital Bliss Calculator
By: Steve Saka
SECRET FORMULA for MARITAL BLISS
Let me explain how this works...
((ACP + SCP/4)/YM) + 15% = GFW
Above is the SECRET formula for keeping your wife sated regarding your cigar purchases. Here are the details:
ACP = accountable cigar purchases - these are the purchases that your wife knows about in full such as purchases you made in her presence, ones with a credit card trail, etc.
SCP = secret cigar purchases - these are the purchases that you manage to sneak in under her dollar sensing radar. Cash only, no bags, she never sees them enter the domicile - you know the drill.
YM = years married
GFW = Gifts for Wife
First step is to total the value of the ACP with a 1/4th of the SCP. Why even claim a fourth of the SCP? For two reasons, one your wife is no idiot, and she knows damn well that you are buying cigars behind her back so it is best to admit to a 1/4 of the real number outright as a sign of good faith. Also it is an excellent decoy to prevent her from investigating deeper - trust me on this you don't want her to pull out CA and start totaling the retail value of your collection from the dollar marks listed in the rating section!
Now take that number and divided it by the years married, as a newlywed she is getting a hell of a return, but it will diminish quickly over the years. Ask her about this concept, I am pretty sure she will agree.
Finally add 15% to the total. Why? Cause you are really a good guy, and you want to be fair. :>
So lets see this in action for a 3K a year cigar habit after 3 years of marriage:
$1,800.00 ACP $1,200.00 SCP / 4 ========= $2,100.00 / 3 ========= $ 700.00
+ 15% = $805.00 GFW
Basically to keep your lovely wife at bay you must buy her $805.00 worth of extra non-holiday no-strings attached gifts during the course of the year. This will keep her from ripping your head off regarding your cigar purchases. Now I know this seems pretty steep, but keep in mind once you are married twelve years the number drops to a measly $201.25. Trust me my friend this will be the best money ever spent - the formula WORKS!